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Not giving up !!

Friday, March 14, 2014

Three Months Into The New Year.....

First before anything, I must say,
HAPPY (BELATED) NEW YEAR !!

I'm sorry I've been slacking on posting, but so much has been going on in my personal life, that the last thing on my mind was my blog. BUT, I'm back, and I'm going to TRY my best to post more often. I won't promise, because with my depression, I have to take things one day at a time.

Before anyone makes any rude comments or jumps to conclusions, I am in no way using my depression as an excuse, I'm just saying, some days its so bad that if it wasn't for my beautiful daughter, I probably wouldn't even get out of bed. But I am a stay-at-home single mom, so I have no choice but to suck it up and do what needs to be done. I've decided that I will take control of my depression, not let it take control of me ! I have goals, both short term as well as long term, and with those goals, I need to be be on point.

Now while I won't take any medications for my depression (been there before, all they do is either make me want to sleep, or make me completely emotionless, either way, does not work when you are a single parent of a toddler), I am looking in to other ways to overcome this ilness. Yes, depression IS an illness, and YES, I have been diagnosed by a medical professional back in December 2013 as suffering from severe depression (Borderline Manic Depressive is what she called it). In fact, I have to go in May for testing to see if its Bi-Polar Disorder or not, because that's what my doctor thinks it is (since apparently borderline manic depressive is like the doorway to bipolar disorder or something like that, I'm embarassed to say, I kind of drowned her out of my head after I heard her say that. Depression I can handle, but putting a label on it like Borderline Manic Depressive makes it sound so intense, so severe.

I haven't told my family or friends, because I wanted to avoid the "pity party" and I know many of them would do that. I also don't want anyone feeling like they have to walk on eggshells around me because of it. I just really hope its not Bipolar Disorder. I know a few people who suffer from it, and its not pretty at all, and very hard to deal with, especially for those around you.

There, now its out there, couldn't hold it in any more, to any family or friends reading this...
I'm sorry I didn't tell you personally, its not an easy subject to just bring up in a conversation, like "oh yea, by the way...." Yea no, doesn't happen that way.

Please forgive me.

ANYWAYSSSSSS......

How is 2014 going for YOU so far ?

As for me, so far so good. Taking it one day at a time.

I'm back in school, doing correspondance courses with Ashworth College to get my degree in Interior Decorating, I'm only a quarter through the program so far, but so far I'm getting really good grades, all in the 90's. Yes, I'm somewhat of a nerd. *lol* But you do good when you actually like what you're studying, and interior design/decorating has been something I've wanted to do since I was younger. I plan on graduating from the course before the end of the year. I KNOW I can do it as long as I stay focused. Then after that's done, I'll be taking another course, (Forensic Science), which is in a totally different direction of this, and the 2 subjects don't even go together, but when thinking of a career, its always good to have something to fall back on, like a back-up plan, incase your first option doesn't work out. OR, even better still..... Do one as a career, and use the other as a sideline/hobby or weekend business to make extra money.

Not hard to tell with the amount of times I re-decorate my own apartment. I tell people all the time, don't get too used to my home being a certain way for too long. Even my own brother, Jubjub, (who used to live with me till about a year ago), says he can't get used to the house cause when he disappears for awhile, by the time he comes back, something in the house has changed, if not the whole layout *lol*. My love for design/decorating is so intense, that I  play just about every design game I can find, as well as I play the Sims (original version) on my desktop pc, and The Sims Freeplay on like 3 devices (my cellphone, my iPad and my new Ematic 7" tablet) ! I don't even really bother with the goals/quests much as I do building and redecorating the homes. Anyone who knows about the game, I been through a couple MILLION simoleans already because of my constant redecorating. Thank God for cheats/hacks that give you nearly unlimited simoleons and lifepoints *lol*

My daughter is doing well too, her vocabulary improves little by little every day, and she's slowly learning to use the potty like a big girl ! I'm so proud of her. SHE is my motivation, she really is. I look at her, and I want to do better with my life so she can have someone to look up to and be proud of. Sure, there are days I get frustrated, because as is, being a single parent is REALLY hard work, topped with my depression, it makes it even harder. But seeing the smile on her face, or getting a hug from her, or hearing her tell me she loves me, makes it all well worth it. She really does make me want to be a better person. My little miracle baby.

I'm sure some of you are wondering what's up with my weightloss too, right ? Well, I was going good for awhile. I had lost like 22 pounds, I'm afraid to even look at the scale now *lol*. I know I didn't gain back much, but I know I gained. I had something rather traumatic happen to me in January, which I really don't want to talk about, and it sent my depression into overdrive for a few weeks. There were some days that I was so upset that I didn't want to eat ANYTHING and my dad and my sister Fifi had to practically force me to eat for fear of me falling back in to becoming an anorexic like I was in high school, then there were days where I would overeat to the point I felt like my stomach was about to explode. For those who don't know, I have an eating disorder called Compulsive Over Eating, and YES, it IS a REAL eating disorder, look it up. Having this eating disorder makes it very difficult to lose weight. But I'll talk about that in another blog post, this one is getting long enough as is *lol* So yea, like I was saying, I gained some weight, this is another thing I'm taking one day at a time, and any day that I can go without over eating, is considered a good day for me. So for the moment, I've given up on trying to lose weight and focusing more on trying to keep this eating disorder under control. Which in turn, will help me with my weightloss. I may even lose some weight in the process. We shall see what happens.

I've changed my eating habits, and I'm more aware of what I'm eating and try my best to choose healthier alternatives when I eat. Still doesn't mean I won't over eat, cause even binging on fruit or veggies in the long run can be bad. Your stomach can only hold so much food, so regardless of what you're putting in to it, if you fill it to capacity or try to go over capacity, you are doing more harm than anything. Its a struggle, and thankfully I realize I have a problem and can work on it. First step to getting over an addiction is admitting you have one, and yes, I am addicted to food, regardless if its good food or bad food, food is food.

That's all I can think of for now to update you guys. Sorry its so long, but I wanted to make sure I covered all the bases in this post. I can't say when my next post will be, but it will be soon, I know that much.

Have a wonderful friday and stay safe !