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Not giving up !!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Know Your Place ! *I* am the parent, NOT you !

I am so damn pissed off right now. 

I swear, some people just don't know their proper place these days, not to mention that it feels like history is repeating itself, and not in a good way ! 

My daughter is only 3 years old, and YES, she makes my house look like a hurricane passed through it on most days, but she is a CHILD, and children are allowed to play with their toys ! Okay, YES, Mikaela tends to pull out every single toy she owns and drop them everywhere in the living room, but so what, its not harming anyone, and she's having fun. I don't usually have people come over, and those who do, are accustomed to Miki's toys being everywhere. Why pick up every toy and try to prevent her from playing with any, or even go as far as getting upset with her when she pulls out a toy ?! 

I have kind of "mastered" the skill of avoiding toys on the floor when I walk, and I'll admit, I used to always pick up after her toys, but why ? She's just going to pull them out again, plus sometimes she gets upset when you put them away (especially when its toys she is in the process of playing with) and starts crying. Why do that to a child ?! I gave up picking up after her toys, and I just wait until after her bedtime to put the toys away. It makes it much easier for me and her. Sometimes she even helps me put toys away, the ones she's not playing with. 

But really, what this rant is about..... this is MY house, its MY name on the lease, and she is MY daughter, if its not bothering me, then why the fuck should it bother you ? I'm so sick and tired of being told what to do in my own house, and being yelled at when I don't run and pick up after my own daughter the minute she drops something ! I clean up after her when she makes a mess with other things like spilling juice or water, dropping food, etc.... but the toys is another issue. 

This isn't your house, so what does it matter ? You act like this is your house, telling me where to put things and what to do with this or that. Its bad enough that you just take over control of MY televeision without even asking if I was watching what was on the tv, you demand I make you something to eat, and get upset when I tell you I barely have enough food for me and my daughter, get mad at my brother for eating Miki's snacks and stuff, yet you do it all the time and I'm not supposed to get mad because you help me pay my bills ? I don't think so ! 

When Jubjub and I were children, (can't remember the exact age, but I wanna say around 9 or so), just because the basement was a mess, and we didn't clean by your time limit, you took garbage bags and threw out ALL of our toys ! I will never forget that, or forgive it, alot of the toys I had could have been collectors items today (especially my Jem & the hologram dolls, and my cabbage patch kids and other dolls from my maternal grandmommy who passed away when I was just a child). Threatening to do that to a 3 year old child ? Come on, who's the adult here ! 

There's only so much more of this I can take. I'm at the point now, that if things don't change soon, when I move with Mikaela to Mississauga, that will be the last time he'll ever hear from us or see us ! I'm tired of being treated like a fucking child, I'm 36 years old for fucks sakes. Don't get me wrong, I am completely greatful to him for everything he does, because without his help I wouldn't be able to have my bills paid or even have my fridge or stove, but enough is enough. Whenever I want to change the furniture around in MY OWN house, if HE doesn't approve of how I want it set up, he won't help me change it, I have to end up doing it myself, and my furniture is not exactly light to lift, especially with my back issues. I'm tired of walking on eggshells with him just to make sure my bills are paid. 

Ask anyone who knows me, if my dad (yes, that's who this rant is about if you haven't already figured it out), doesn't get his own way, he is quick to threaten to not help with my bills anymore, knowing that without his help, I am screwed, and that I'll do what I need to to make sure the bills get paid, even if it means sucking up and playing the "yes sir" game. 

I've said a million times I don't want Miki in daycare, I don't agree with daycare (well, let me be more specific....daycare in Montreal, majority of them suck and know nothing about taking care of kids), but I'm half tempted to ignore the warnings of doctors (i been told because of my back issues and severe migraines, its best if I hold off on working till I can see a back doctor and also a neurologist to pinpoint the problems), I'm half tempted to ignore those warnings, put Miki in daycare (or hire a babysitter) and find a job so I can tell him keep his dam money. Or better yet, even though it will cut me off from the "world", I'm half tempted to cancel my services with bell, and have no more cable/phone/internet, and send the couch and fridge back to easy home. Well, it will be sent back soon anyway, cause when I move to Mississauga I won't need those, where I'll be will already have all that, and better quality too)

I won't even repeat some of the very hateful things that were said, its not worth the space on my blog. I could be a bitch and say some hateful shit back, but I'm bigger than that, I won't stoop down to his level, regardless if he will ever see this or not. He's got me so angry right now that my migraine is flaring up, I want to cry but I won't, not infront of my daughter. Even though she can sense something is wrong, I refuse to make her sad by seeing me cry.

Everyone thinks my dad is soooo cool, and such an awesome dad. Yes, he has his moments where I will praise him from the rooftop (okay maybe not rooftop as i'm scared of heights, but you get the idea *lol*), but I also trully believe that either my dad is bipolar and doesn't know it, or has some serious anger issues. I hate to say this, but just to avoid his attitude and demands, half the time I will fake being sleepy, or pretend to have some sort of physical pain just so that he'll stay downstairs with my grandmother and leave me alone. Pretty sad when you have to come up with ways to avoid spending time with your own parent because their attitude most of the time is so childish/annoying. 

As of TODAY, I'm taking back control of MY home and MY child...... if my dad doesn't like it, then he can just stay downstairs. I'm fed up of being treated as if I was still a teenager. I'm a little less than 4 years away from turning 40 years old, time he treated me like it ! And like I said before..... the faster he realizes that he is the GRANDfather, not the DAD, the better off it'll be for everyone ! 

Maybe everyone is right, maybe the only way he'll realize I'm serious and that I deserve respect and to be treated like an adult and respect my decisions concerning my daughter, is if I move away. Being in an apartment over where he lives (we live in a triplex that my grandmother has owned since my dad was about Miki's age), isn't helping matters anymore. It was good for awhile, but its time to spread my wings and go. And I'm not just saying that because I plan to move to Mississauga.

Sorry this rant is so long, and sorry if I sound repetetive, but Wally and Fifi have always told me not to keep things inside anymore when they are bothering me, so I had to just let it out. I don't want anyone to hate my dad, I still love him, I just don't like him very much right now.