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Not giving up !!

Thursday, May 26, 2016

30 Day Writing Challenge... Day 26

Am I the only "weirdo" who actually enjoys it when it rains ?

I used to hate thunder, but recently, I find that thunder combined with heavy rain tends to calm me down and put me in this almost zen like state of mind. So at peace.

 Its not raining right now, but the way its gloomy outside, it looks like it'll be raining any min now. At least I hope so.

Today is day 26 of the writing challenge, and for today, I'm supposed to write "Things you want to say to an ex". I could be here forever writing when I think about certain exes.

But there is some things I want to say to a certain ex in particular that I've been holding in for so long, and although I won't name anyone, they should know its aimed at them (if ever they read this)

Dear Ex,
                 I let my guard down with you and let you in to my world. I trusted you, which is hard for me to do, and how do you repay me ? By playing me for a fool. I was there for you when no one else was, put you ahead of my own feelings and needs. I pushed away family and friends for you. Anyone who spoke ill of you, heard an earful from me. I defended you, even when I thought you were in the wrong. You made me believe what we had was special, until you proved to me that it wasn't. I would spend HOURS listening to you vent about everything and anything, even losing sleep just to be there for you. In my eyes, you could do no wrong, you were an angel in my eyes. Not bad like the way you claimed everyone perceived you as, just misunderstood. For things to end the way they did, no closure, not a word, cut deep like a knife. As if to say that everything I did for you over the years meant nothing, that I meant nothing. Not only did I lose someone I thought was "the one", I lost my best friend, the one person on this earth I felt really understood me and cared for me as deeply as I cared for them. I used to make people jealous of what we had, cause everyone thought it was perfect and that we were perfect for each other. Guess they were wrong. I thought after all this time that I'd be over the pain, and over you, but I thought wrong. I still can't look at your picture without feeling a deep anger and sadness. Sometimes I want to just reach out to you, ask you WHY, and if I EVER meant anything to you, but I'm afraid of getting no answer, or getting an answer I don't think I'm prepared to hear. We were friends before anything, dare I even say best friends, and to lose that for what...... really hurts. I've spent many nights crying over you, so many nights that I didn't even think I could cry again. Now I am just numb to it all. You are the reason I have stayed single since, you are the reason I can't let anyone in the way I let you in. You are the reason I can't trust anyone anymore. Will I get over it ? In time. Will I ever love again ? I'm sure I will. Will I ever trust again ? Ah, now there's the million dollar question....what do you think ? How could I possibly ? Especially with my depression and anxiety, which YOU know all too well what that's like since you suffer from the same disorders, which is what I thought bonded us even more. Thank you for making me feel like trash, and helping me to believe that I'm not capable of being loved. You brought my smile back once upon a time, but now you've also become the one to take it away again.

Wow that felt good to get that out there.
I have A LOT more to say to this specific ex, but then it would make it obvious as to who I'm talking about, and I like to leave people wondering. I know some people close to me will already know who it is about

Join me tomorrow for day 27's challenge, which is "What you wore today".
Who knows, I may even take a full body selfie for ya'll. Haven't done that in awhile.

Today's music challenge,
"A song you can play on an instrument"

I can't play instruments anymore, when I was little, I used to play drums and piano, but never stuck with it. So instead, I'll just post a song that kind of goes along with today's post. "Unbreak My Heart" by Toni Braxton. I know its not the same meaning to the song as what I talked about today, but the words go perfectly with how this situation has made me feel for the longest time.




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